It is a cruel joke, grief. Fear. The pit of your stomach feeling that incapacitates you. You can't eat, can't sleep, can't think or concentrate. Your mind is running a thousand miles an hour with no end thought. It's pretty messed up.
When I was 15, I was just starting high school. I was young and just living step-by-step. Then I met Josh M. He was friends with my sister and as it turns out, we became friends also. He was 3 years older than me so he was about the graduate from high school. I was a freshman so my crush was very unreal. It was a while before we realized that we liked each other. We began dating the end of my freshman year. It was the perfect beginning to the summer. We could spend the whole thing being with each other and growing as a couple. I know I was only 15, but these kind of feelings can't be replicated....it was amazing.
The day after we celebrated the 'month-aversary', Josh left my house to go mow someones lawn and then go to work. I got a phone call when Josh never made it to work to see if he was still with me. I was concerned because Josh NEVER missed work. the fear was setting it. I brushed it off thinking the worst could never happen to me. A few hours later, one of my friends came to pick me up. When I got to the restaurant where we worked my sister was there to tell me that Josh was killed in a car accident that morning. There was that pit. That grief and fear that no one wants to feel. But it was true. The very first love I really had was gone.
Ever since that awful day, I tend to have anxiety about people keeping tabs with me when they are traveling. It kills me that to this day I can't shake the uncomfortable feeling that it will happen again. Yesterday, my husband didn't call.
Josh normally calls me before he goes to work that day. I would say about noon. I got no call. I tried calling him, but it just went to voicemail. I shook it off. Jaeda went to school so I was occupied. After school, Jaeda wanted to call him so she did---with no answer. This went on for hours. I made dinner and called him again, but it went straight to voicemail. I started getting that fear. I couldn't eat my dinner and I kept trying him again and again and again.
By this time I am starting to panic. It is not 10pm. I am crying. I am so scared that my husband is one of the unidentified casualties in Phoenix that day (yes, I looked them up). I try to watch a movie, calling him every 10 minutes. It is now midnight. I can't cry anymore. My husband never called. I watch the movie to keep my mind on something else. 1 am, no call. I feel like I am going to get sick. 2 am, no call. I am getting ready to call the sheriffs office to look for my husband.
2:3o am. My phone rings.
It's my husband.
His phone broke so it won't work off the charger.
I panicked for no reason. But it's always there. The fear that my husband won't come home. Or that he will be in trouble and I will be too far away to even know about it. I don't know how long this will last, but it's gone on long enough.
Ending song- Scars by Papa Roach
Until next time.
Sandy
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