A change of pace

Current song - Grenade by Bruno Mars

After the scare with my husband, I have been thinking a little differently. When he talked to me I was still half hysterical. I don't know what I would do if this man were taken from me. I need to realize that it is not likely that will happen to me again. I can't keep getting sad/angry/anxious over these things. He is getting a new phone today so the problem should be solved.

I feel awful when I think back on that day back in 2000 and shove it in his face. It was almost 11 years ago and I don't want it to affect my day-to-day. I especially don't want it to make me a basketcase when it comes to my family. But just hearing Josh's voice made my appetite come back, my blood pressure go down, and my love for him grow even more if that possible. I would not survive without him.

He is planning to surprise our daughter by coming home for her birthday:) She doesn't know and I plan on finding a sitter to go pick him up from the airport. I can't wait!! He'll be home for 5 days. Not too long, but when he's been gone so long I'll take anything:)

Jaeda's birthday is coming up next month and we are planning to take her and her little friends to a movie theater birthday party:) I wanted to let them feel like 'big girls' who get to watch a movie together:) i think it will be so cute!! And the tickets are pretty cheap for them, so we can have 7 tickets, 7 snack packs, and the party room for under $100. pretty sweet if you ask me:)

I am blissful today. I love my husband, so so much. I can't wait for him to come home. We are planning getting a new vehicle, eventually moving into a house, just things that make us so happy. We came from living at home to here. I am pretty proud of ourselves:) I love my children. I like that my son grabs me a pepsi from the fridge to come wake me up:) He comes up to me and says, 'Wake up mommy, i got you pop" And he has the cutest smile of any boy:) My daughters love to cuddle with me in my big bed in the morning and I love it. Everything that Josh and I do is for those little faces. I want to give them the perfect life, so they can grow up and feel like they had it made.

Ending song- Haven't Met You Yet by Michael Buble

Until next time,

Sandy

Eating me alive

Current song- All She Wrote by Default

It is a cruel joke, grief. Fear. The pit of your stomach feeling that incapacitates you. You can't eat, can't sleep, can't think or concentrate. Your mind is running a thousand miles an hour with no end thought. It's pretty messed up.

When I was 15, I was just starting high school. I was young and just living step-by-step. Then I met Josh M. He was friends with my sister and as it turns out, we became friends also. He was 3 years older than me so he was about the graduate from high school. I was a freshman so my crush was very unreal. It was a while before we realized that we liked each other. We began dating the end of my freshman year. It was the perfect beginning to the summer. We could spend the whole thing being with each other and growing as a couple. I know I was only 15, but these kind of feelings can't be replicated....it was amazing.

The day after we celebrated the 'month-aversary', Josh left my house to go mow someones lawn and then go to work. I got a phone call when Josh never made it to work to see if he was still with me. I was concerned because Josh NEVER missed work. the fear was setting it. I brushed it off thinking the worst could never happen to me. A few hours later, one of my friends came to pick me up. When I got to the restaurant where we worked my sister was there to tell me that Josh was killed in a car accident that morning. There was that pit. That grief and fear that no one wants to feel. But it was true. The very first love I really had was gone.

Ever since that awful day, I tend to have anxiety about people keeping tabs with me when they are traveling. It kills me that to this day I can't shake the uncomfortable feeling that it will happen again. Yesterday, my husband didn't call.

Josh normally calls me before he goes to work that day. I would say about noon. I got no call. I tried calling him, but it just went to voicemail. I shook it off. Jaeda went to school so I was occupied. After school, Jaeda wanted to call him so she did---with no answer. This went on for hours. I made dinner and called him again, but it went straight to voicemail. I started getting that fear. I couldn't eat my dinner and I kept trying him again and again and again.

By this time I am starting to panic. It is not 10pm. I am crying. I am so scared that my husband is one of the unidentified casualties in Phoenix that day (yes, I looked them up). I try to watch a movie, calling him every 10 minutes. It is now midnight. I can't cry anymore. My husband never called. I watch the movie to keep my mind on something else. 1 am, no call. I feel like I am going to get sick. 2 am, no call. I am getting ready to call the sheriffs office to look for my husband.

2:3o am. My phone rings.

It's my husband.

His phone broke so it won't work off the charger.

I panicked for no reason. But it's always there. The fear that my husband won't come home. Or that he will be in trouble and I will be too far away to even know about it. I don't know how long this will last, but it's gone on long enough.

Ending song- Scars by Papa Roach

Until next time.

Sandy

Unplanned

Still listening to Pandora. Current song - Still Frame by Trapt

I know, 'didn't she just make this blog last night and now she has 3 posts?" Yes. Yes I do. Not because I don't have other things to do right now, but the people I want to talk to are unavailable. So I am here again. I am hoping that this blog won't just be a rant page, but like I said, when you have no one to talk to, have a drink with, eat dinner with, everything just seems to build. The audience will get a lot--good and bad. Today is both.

Staying up last night probably wasn't my coolest choice. I have been sleeping on the couch because I have a weird anxiety when I sleep in my bed alone. I don't want to ruin my couch so Isucked it up and slept in my room. This morning Jaeda woke me up and said 'Ethan has the cheese". A warning like this is never good. Normally they wake me up to let me know they are stalking my fridge. Today they didn't. I had shredded colby jack cheese scattered on my floor and all over my couch. I couldn't get mad because I wasn't awake to stop him. I sent him to his room and vacuumed it up. For those who know me, I'm glad he grabbed the shredded cheese instead of the Parmesan cheese again. That was awful. It was a good morning overall. I expect some crazy thing in the morning, because that's what my children do:)

Another thing came to my attention today from someone, and I have to say it made my day go downhill. I'm not sure if it's alright for me to discuss it here....it's too public. But let me say that I hope reality sets in to certain actions that have taken place. It has affected too many people, and you have absolutely no clue. Being absorbed with yourself has made you blind. Those that matter the most to you will slowly drift away, if you haven't pushed them away already. Please, I'm begging you. Open your eyes before you find yourself alone.

That's all I have to say about that.

I miss my husband. I think I have been doing great as a 'single' mom, but everyday it haunts me that he is so far. We have done the distance thing before, but our eventual plan was to always be with him. This time he is home for vacation then he leaves. I don't want to be selfish to think that he needs to come back just to hold me at night. I know he needs to work and he will come back when Indy's storm season begins. The time in between is just painful. The money isn't bad, so I will deal with it for now:)

Buggy decided that we should have chicken with spaghetti tonight for dinner, and the girl is good at convincing me;) So we are having chicken parm tonight. I love spaghetti, so the convincing was very minimal:) Guess I should get started!!

Ending song-- Bright Lights by Matchbox Twenty

Until next time,

Sandy

Pandora insomnia

It's 4 am.

I have always had difficulty sleeping. I'm not really sure why, but I remember my whole life I've never been that great at sleeping at night. I can function just fine in the day. I can even participate in my daughter's preschool class. I am so ready for bed when the time comes around, but I can never fall asleep. It's definitely starting to take a lot out of me. Tonight I am listening to Pandora radio, my 'Default' station. Like I said, I love rock and everything about it. But now I can't turn it off. It calms me down to listen to the beat, the one that took someone so long to compose to turn into a beautiful song. Current song: Bad Day by Fuel

I find myself searching craigslist for random stuff I don't need, Facebook for a status that someone hasn't updated in 5 hours because, yep, they are all sleeping, and checking my email...but who emails in the middle of the night...? i try to remember what I could be looking up that would be relevant to my day to day errands but I draw a blank.

I have started applying for jobs. So far phlebotomy is proving promising. No one will hire me as a medical assistant in Indiana until i have my degree. I had a job offer back home, but it was offered after Josh had already left for Indiana. (BOOOO!!!) I am holding out for that, but phlebotomy is so much fun. i so want to get my 'big-girl' job. I am tired of working for minimum wage. i am worth so much more than that. Don't get me wrong, I would never completely blow it off. Any money is better than no money. I liked the people I worked with, just a little more drama than I was comfortable with. A few apps are being reviewed as I write, so I remain hopeful to wear my scrubs again soon.

It is now 4:25. Really think I should get some sleep before my hungry little pee monsters wake up for the day. Just hope I can not get distracted on the way.

Until next time,

Sandy

It works for us.

I used to have one of these blogs many, many years ago. I believe I started when I was 14. Seems like a lifetime ago. I do remember that it felt so nice to have a place to write down thoughts & events of the day with un-biased response. It was therapeutic. Now I feel the need to have another one.

• My name is Casandra, but please don't call me that:) I have been called Sandy since the day I can remember.
• I am 26 years old...which I think is NOT OLD....considering that I will soon be in my 30's, it is not old.
• I have the most wonderful, chaotic family with my high school sweetheart. (We have been rumored to be incredibly fertile. The rumors are true.)
• I am a medical assisting student, soon to be graduate. I have worked so hard over these 2 years that I feel I deserve a parade, but I won't hold anyone to it:)
• I have a tendency to always think of the feelings of others before my own. You may think that I am bragging that I have such a "sought after" quality, but it is as much a curse as a blessing, and I think after reading for awhile, you will understand why.
• My children and my husband are my UNIVERSE. If you have children, I expect you to understand. A waitress will get a tremendous tip if she is kind and pleasant to my kids. If you upset them in anyway, be ready for mama bear.
• I LOVE ROCK. There is something about the whole band element that melts me. Play a guitar, you win. I watched my husband play with a band years ago and I have never seen him look so delicious:)

I am speaking a lot of my family, but I haven't introduced them yet!

Josh is my high school sweetheart/husband of 4 years. We started dating when I was 17 and he was 16 in 2002. I swear once we met it was like a train. I only thought of him. He was my everything, and still is. It looked like teenage love, but it was so much more than that. We have been through quite a bit of the drama that comes with pigheadedness of being a teen, but somehow we survived. In 2005, we discovered that we were pregnant. I was 20 years old and we weren't married. It was disappointing to some, but as soon as I found out, I was in love.

Our daughter Jaeda Leigh was born February 18, 2006. She was absolutely perfect. Besides being stubborn and not wanting to come out, she was perfect:) Our family had started and the day we came home from the hospital, Josh gave me my engagement ring. It seems out of order, but it worked for us. We were so happy to start our lives together with our daughter in tow.

When Jaeda was 8 months old, SURPRISE! We are pregnant again!! The shock initially wasn't so bad. We had one child, how much harder could another one be?? Well, I started having some complications, so we decided to take a look at the baby to make sure everything was going great. And, oh gees, there were two.

Jenelle Layne and Ethan Elijah were born on July 27, 2007. Jaeda was only 17 months old.

It sounds crazy. That's because it was. I am not going to dumb it down any, I was going crazy. One baby to three babies is no walk in the park. If I didn't have Jaeda first, I think I would have run away (not literally, but you know what I mean). They were so much smaller, much more fragile. After the first few months, it became easier. But people never stopped staring when we went to Walmart.

Our life today is still as you imagine it---chaotic. Jaeda is about to be 5 years old. She is in preschool and getting ready to go to kindergarten. Besides being a girl, she is everything like her father. Her looks, her charm, her stubborness, and her manipulation skills:) I love her to pieces and would not make it without her. Jenelle is a completely different story. She is quiet until she let's you know her. She is prissy, full of attitude, and such a diva. Don't get scared off yet, she is just leaning towards the side of caution. Once she let's you in you will find out she LOVES to sing and can mimic with the best of them. Ethan is my little cuddle bear. He loves attention and is turning into the ultimate boy. He pesters his sisters for sport and laughs the most addictive laugh. He's a giant ball of energy and I keep trying to find ways to let him vent it.

We currently live in Indiana, with Josh working across the country in Phoenix, AZ. Before you ask why I am not with him, his work is seasonal. Eventually he will come back over here. Jaeda is in school so traveling as a family isn't an option. This is another reason to me starting this blog. I am having some trouble finding confidante friends here, so the venting is not as frequent as it should be. I miss the company of friends so much, but I will survive. I always do. We started with nothing. Living with my parents when my daughter was born to moving anywhere and everywhere in search of greener pastures. So far, this place has brought us so much. Sticking it out in the hard times really helped us survive as a family. Even though Josh is gone, I know he would rather be home with us. He is my hero. Correction, he is OUR hero. He will do anything for us, even move across the country. Most people cringe at the story of our life, but it doesn't matter. What some people are incapable of is a walk in the park for Trejos. It works for us.

Until next time,

Sandy