Decisions, decisions....

I feel like that is all we will ever do. We will have to make more choices, even though everything is fine at this point in time. Preparing for the future isn't all it is cracked up to be. I cannot stand being away from my husband one more day, but I have to keep on keepin on. I want to find a job, but it seems like a lot on my plate. I am only one person, who can be pulled in only so many directions. I hate being looked at as so 'strong' and 'supermom' because I want people to notice that I'm incredibly lonely. I have what I call acquaintances. I talk to people when I go get Jaeda from school, but we basically only swap children. No one calls me just to talk, or asks, hey do you want to go shopping with me? Get a drink? Let's make a playdate! I get none of that.

The only friends I have are 200 miles away. My bestest is 2000 miles away. I try to tell him how I'm scared, I'm sad, and I'm lonely only to get the response that my misery is making him sad. How my complaining is a slap in the face for all he is doing. I'm not allowed to feel, out loud at least. I love my husband and I know he loves me too, but when I have no one to talk to, i can't help but try to make a plan for myself and my children. When is he going to come home? I have no freaking clue. For all I know, he will travel year round. He wants to make money for us, which I understand. This job has given him more money than we have ever made before. Financially, he is there. Physically and emotionally, he is absent. That is why it is so hard.

I never want it to feel like I am taking Josh for granted, because I'm not. I am feeling selfish by wanting my husband back. We would suffer in our relationship if he came back to work a stupid low paying job. I miss him so much, but we are suffering now by being apart. There is never a win. I can never have it both. Why can't we be the well-off family who lives in the awesome house, with awesome jobs, and a set future? Color me green people. Here, I am surrounded by that. It is shoved in my face every day.

Until next time,

Sandy